HelenKay Dimon

Do your movie tastes mirror your book tastes?

For me, the answer is absolutely not.   I’m even less in sync with the other member of my household, we’ll call him hubby.  Trying to pick a movie in my house is the equivalent of the negotiations at the Yalta Conference.  My usually cool, Hawaii-born hubby likes horrifyingly angsty movies.  He’s relatively normal except for this serious character flaw.  Three examples of the type of comedic gems he loves are House of Sand And Fog (including the death of a child and, well, just about everyone else in the cast except Jennifer Connelly), The Hours (death by stones in pocket and disease and a bunch of other depressing stuff) and Requiem For A Dream (the most depressing movie ever made - everyone is addicted to some type of drug and each character is more painful to watch than the one before).   He thinks because they’re award-winning that makes them interesting.  Sometimes, yes.  Most times, no.  We won’t even talk about his fascination with incomprehensible foreign films.  There was one about a weeping camel, one about migrating birds and one about bugs.  Yes, I said bugs.  It was called Microcosmos  - go check it out.  I could not possibly make that up. 

But, these charming movie picks are consistent with what he reads.  Sure, he accidentally picks up a decent mystery now and then - this usually coincides with when we are about to fly or go to the beach.  Apparently a book about Krakatoa is not the perfect beach read (see:  Krakatoa: The Day the World Exploded: August 27, 1883  - it’s actually much better than it sounds).  For the most part he likes nonfiction titles.   Some are very good (don’t tell him I said that because I take tremendous joy in making fun of him).  Some are god awful.  But, all seem to reflect his movie tastes - some mystery, mostly indie and nonfiction stuff.

Then there’s me….. Well, I like my movies with big exploding things, car chase scenes and gunfire (think Bad Boys II).  My confession, and I know this is likely to generate another nasty email, is that I never pick chick flicks.  Traditional romantic comedies are always my last choice.  Okay, second to last since my hubby’s choices are dead last.   Why is this?  I can read romance after romance (with a bit of mystery/suspense sprinkled in now and then) but I don’t gravitate to pure romance stories  or cutesy romance stories on the big screen.  Is it because I’m uncomfortable with the sexuality in movies?  Rest assured that is not it.  But it’s something I haven’t figured out yet. 

I was reading the magazine, Harper’s Bazaar, to the extent you can call it reading.  It was more like flipping pages.  Would you believe I reached for a copy of Marcel Proust’s Swann’s Way and the girlie magazine fell into the shopping basket instead.  No?  Good for you because that’s a big fat lie.

The cover was of a remarkably retouched and well-lit Goldie Hawn.  She looks lovely, by the way.  For the record, Goldie is not the reason I bought the magazine.  I paid the cover price of $312.00 for this glossy multi-page advertisement held together by a few short articles about nothing whatsoever because the pictures were pretty.  My priorities are in line.  So, between the photos of expensive (and butt ugly) shoes and a rather scary Madonna ad (what she was pushing, I don’t know, but it certainly wasn’t food - that woman hasn’t eaten a sandwich in years) was a two-page spread on Goldie Hawn.  This is a magazine after all.  Articles in some form are required. 

Goldie had this fine quote on the state of committed relationships in America and, in particular, on how she keeps that smile on Kurt’s face:

"Kurt’s not predictable, which is exciting, and he has a big life: He’s a big father, a big lover - he’s just big.  And nothing is under the carpet with us… Men spread their seed.  That’s what they do."

So with all this seed spreading, exactly how many children does Kurt have?

You can call me old-fashioned but this is not how my marriage works.  Hubby knows that spreading his "seed" is tantamount to an act of war and will result in the unleashing of a series of events such as his bloodletting, his personal possessions on fire on the front lawn and his checks bouncing as all joint assets disappear.  He has no damn idea where our money is hid kept.   

Let’s make a deal.  We will not write a book about the love life of Goldie and Kurt.  If for some reason we have a brain hiccup and do try to sell this story, we will not market it as a romance.  And, this is the bigee, we will not talk about Kurt’s seed ever again.

People. People. People.  I’ve been on the web for something like 3 days and someone has written to me to explain how offensive I am.  Isn’t that something?  Usually it takes me say 7 or 8 days before I offend someone.  Really, I swear.  This is new.  Since I don’t like to take personal responsibility for anything, I blame Wendy for this mess. Or, to be completely correct, I blame some of the cranky folks I now know hang out and read her blog but choose to write to me rather than comment on her site.  Nothing like going straight to the source to solve a problem.

Wendy talked about profanity in fiction and the arguments between those who think profanity and "real" language are needed to create realistic stories and those who, well, think the first group  is bound for eternal damnation.  I commented and, I thought, was more charming than usual.  Certainly more charming than anyone ever should expect me to be.  LeezaW thought differently.  She wrote me an email explaining what an idiot I am.  Okay.  Everyone has a right to his/her opinion but I really don’t see what I said that was so horrifying this time. 

My comment on this issue:

The point is important and one we should be able to talk about without name calling. Frankly, I should be able to write what I want and read what I want without being told I don’t have a soul, am going to hell and am an immoral slut.

Hmmm, LeezaW?  I have to say I don’t see anything too terrible there.  Hate to tell you this but the only problem I have with this part of my comment is that I didn’t actually use profanity in my explanation.  Sure, I said "hell" but as a description of a place.  Kinda of like Kansas.  So, let’s move on.

Tho I do have to wonder if this really is just a romance genre issue. I read a lot of mystery/suspense and never feel as if my sensitive ears are being protected by the publishers and writers. The opposite is true. If the mystery/suspense is done right, you’re dumped into a harsh world/harsh circumstance and told to hang on. I doubt anybody tells Michael Connelly, Philip Margolin, or any of these folks, that the language of their cop/military guy/PI needs to be toned down to protect the reader. Maybe romance is unique - or maybe even uniquely out of touch - with the real world in this respect.

Again, LeezaW, this seems harmless unless you don’t like Michael Connelly which is hard for me to imagine.  Come on, did you read Concrete Blonde?  The guy is amazing.

LeezaW was so incensed with my stupidity that she wrote me an email that said, in its entirety:

You and your condescending attitude are what’s wrong with romance fiction today.  You excuse the fact you write trash and condemn those who don’t think like you.  You are not helping the genre you pretend to admire.

Wow.  I mean, wow.  LeezaW, do you really think I am what’s wrong with the romance genre?  Not bad writing.  Not poor conflict and characterization.  But, me? I gotta admit.  I don’t see that.  I also have to wonder when exactly you saw my work and how you know what I write since I’m not published, but I’ll let that go.  I do however have a few points to make in response.

1.  LeezaW, you actually come close to making Wendy’s point.  She was talking about the need to pump emotion into stories and the need for straight talk.  See what you did when you got angry?  You didn’t like something I wrote (obviously),  so you got mad, clicked on the link on Wendy’s site to get to mine, came to my site, and clicked on another link to send me an email.  LeezaW, that’s a commitment.  My wedding took less planning.  And, you went through all that effort because you felt something and you wanted to express it in strong terms - although I’m still unclear what it is that touched off the fury.  Sure, you didn’t use profanity but everyone knows that calling what I write trash is really just cover for what you want to say - HelenKay is a bitch.  Next time, go ahead and say it.  I think it will feel more real if you say the words.

2.  LeezaW - trash?  Really, it’s time to put these silly labels away never to be dragged out again.  See, when you get to the point where your only argument is to label something or someone in an offensive way, you have hit rock bottom on the argument scale.  You can do better.  Work on your arguments.

3.  So, LeezaW, why the private email?  I commented in the open.  Sending the private email seems to be a way for you to ignore Wendy’s good points and just attack me (and for some reason, not Wendy).  Oh, and LeezaW, I think the first line of my comment on the blog was that it was time to stop the name calling.  Did you not read that line?

Thanks Wendy.  This is just fabulous.

I’m a Julie Garwood Fan.  One of the first three romance books I ever read was a paperback edition of The Bride.  To be honest, it was the 1996 edition and I read it long after it was released.  Yeah, if you do the math you’ll discover I came a bit late to the romance genre.  You’ll be happy to know I did actually read before the age of 25 but not romance.  But, that’s a story for another blog entry.  I’ll wait to share since it’s not particularly flattering and there will be plenty of time for me to alienate everyone later.

So…. contemporaries are my preference and I love romantic suspense, but there’s just something special about Garwood’s Scottish historicals.  Read every one.  Twice.  Okay, more than twice for a few of them.  Then it happened.  Her slow slide away from Scotland in For The Roses and Prince Charming.  Not my favorites but still good.  Then the real "it" happened.  She switched to contemporary romantic suspense and my ties to the Highlands disappeared.  I haven’t seen a Scottish laird since.

I’m not saying Garwood’s new works are bad.  Actually, I’m not saying that at all so don’t write me and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.  Please, that’s clear or it will be after a few more blog entries.   But, for me her new stuff isn’t the same.  My connection to the characters and her style of writing is waning.  Sure, I still buy the new books but those books now sit on my TBR pile (which is threatening to fall over and crush the hubby as I write this) for months or even longer.

So, to Ms. Garwood - Please come back, lassie……yeah, sorry.  I never get to use "lassie" in a sentence and this seemed like my only opportunity.  I couldn’t resist.

I enjoy listening to writers and reading their interviews but always wait for that moment when the questions turn from the writer’s books to something else. To questions that don’t have any real relevance to anything but sound as if they do.  To questions about the author’s writing process and the so-called rules of writing.  Now, I admit I like to hear about process, to hear how authors get the job done, but in a purely "oh, isn’t that interesting" way.  Not so that I can figure out how my process should work.  I can only write the way I write.  Every now and then I stop and think, maybe I should try that new-to-me strategy but then I get slapped back to reality.  Quick.

The authors being asked these questions are usually very polite.  I’m generally not so I’ll tell you what I believe the real answers to these questions are.

1.  Question:  How many hours per day/days per week do you write?  Real answer: However many hours  per day or days per week it takes to write whatever needs to be written.  No, really, that’s it.  There’s no magic number.  No great mystery to solve.  Authors write when they write and write until the words are on the paper.  If there were a secret formula - a right answer - someone in the publishing industry would have put this delicious information in a book and made billions years ago. 

2. Question:  What font should I use/what should the margins be/what goes in the header?  Real Answer:  There are about 108,000 websites that will help you with this.  Also, I hate to tell you but unpublished authors care much more about this crap than published authors do.  Probably more than anyone else on Earth, including the editors reviewing your manuscripts.  Unpublished authors care because we’re told it matters and contest results confirm that notion.  But the truth is that some published authors are so in demand, they could write a 400 page book on a series of those little yellow sticky pads and their editors would be thrilled (see: Nora Roberts).   So, don’t ask them.  They don’t really know.  They do what they do and what they’ve always done.  For you, just use common sense.  As for hints?  Don’t submit anything written in crayon.  Don’t use the Wingdings font (what the hell is that for anyway?) and margins should not be .02. 

3.  Question:  What is your process/how do you write?  Real Answer:  The author’s answer has almost no bearing whatsoever on your writing.  Some authors will say they write the good parts first.  My response is, huh? Some will say they have a 70-90 page synopsis then the book writes itself from there. My response - thinking about constructing a 5 page synopsis makes me weep. If you really want to go insane, go check out Alison’s plotting board.  Honestly, one look at that sucked all the creative juices right out of me for a month.  But, and here’s the point, it works for her.  Go read her SG-5 series and you’ll see that I’m right on this. 

So do what works for you and get back to work.

Finally. 

After much wondering, lurking and obsessing I’ve started a blog.  Nothing fancy.  Just a way for me to chat about things I care about and probably a few I really don’t.  The idea of having another way to ignore my manuscript? Well, that’s just a bonus.  See, after watching the CBS movie Spring Break Shark Attack a week ago I realized I had hit bottom on the procrastination scale.  That I needed to find another way to waste time and preferably one that did not kill off most of my brain cells in the process.  Really, who thought a movie about killer sharks could be boring?  It was.  Trust me.

Why do this?  Fabulous question.  In addition to the above, Sylvia and Wendy knowingly or unknowingly pushed me, so blame them….  Sylvia invited me to guest blog on her site and I got the bug.  Wendy gave me a "why the hell not" reaction when I said I was thinking about setting up my own blog.  Two very cool ladies and if you aren’t visiting their blogs, ummmm, why not?   They’re talented, funny, smart and know that sometimes challenging the romance writing industry is a good thing.  Go visit.

So, back to me since this is all about me.  Let’s get something out of the way, something I’m always asked about:

- Is HelenKay Dimon my real name?   You think I’d pick that if it weren’t?

-Is HelenKay really all one word?  Yes.  Thank you again mom and dad. 

-Do your mom and dad hate you?  Obviously, yes.  My brothers’ names are Alan and Scott.  All very normal until I came along.

-Is the "K" capitalized?  Yes, because the combined name alone was not difficult enough growing up.  My parents decided to add one more challenge ’cause we all know how much pre-teen girls like being different.  But, since I’m named after both grandmothers - Helen and Kathleen - you can imagine how difficult it would have been for mom and dad to capitalize one part and not the other.  This way, everyone is happy except me.

One blog entry down.  Thousands to go.