A friend pointed me in the direction of this article from Zug.com about writing romance… then ducked for cover.  It’s called, How To Write A Trashy Romance Novel: Part the First.  And, yes, there is a Part The Second and so on. Now, let’s all keep our sense of humor.  This is meant to be funny.  Yes, it includes insults but ignore that. It’s Friday and we all could use a laugh.  Really, the first paragraph should be enough to keep you reading:

There are over 3 billion vaginas in the world, and attached to every one of them is someone who will buy and read absolutely anything with a shirtless Fabio look-alike embossed on the cover.

Shocked? You shouldn’t be, it’s a documented fact. And you – yes you, sitting on the couch in ratty Spiderman underwear and covered with Twinkie crumbs – could be making a fortune off that fact. How? By writing your own romance novel! It’s so easy a brain dead moron could do it, and if a brain dead moron can do it, so can you!

Part The First sets out what the title and cover should look like, how experienced the hero must be versus the virgin heroine and this gem about the character names:

There are two standard requirements you must meet when creating characters with the Covington-Malone system. The first is that you must give your characters exotic and exciting names. Do not underestimate the vital importance of this! Outrageous names such as Lady Scarlett Covington of Witltonshiresouthhamptonburrough for the woman, and Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides for the man, are completely appropriate. When actually used, all names must be said in full, as seen here:

“Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides, you will never triumph over me! My virtue is whiter than the cloth of the Lord!”

“Ah, but I swear my saucy wench Lady Scarlett Covington of Witltonshiresouthhamptonburrough, you will be in my bed tonight, or my name isn’t Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides!”

See how the names are used repeatedly? This is crucial, as the average readers are frequently too lusty to remember which characters are speaking, or moaning, respectively. Other excellent, though far fetched, names to be used are: Mistress Trae O’Hara of Atlanta-by-the-sea, Sensei Fellipe Chi-Chi of the house of his father the most honorable Kang, Lady Daggsrina Steanova, Princess of Russia and of course mad King Geoffrey of the Land of Hargraveington.

Part The Second includes some valuable information about the story requirements:

It probably contains something about shipwrecks, and revenge, and possibly an ancient gypsy curse of some sort. You can just fill in those details later. The important thing is that the hero and heroine know they can never be together, so they just talk a lot in the beginning. There are yearnings and sexual tensions a-plenty. Then an unforeseen circumstance, such as a shipwreck, or revenge, or an ancient gypsy curse of some sort, throws the two of them into a passionate embrace that they are helpless to resist.

At this point the naive virgin suddenly becomes a ravening wildcat in the sack with virtually no urging from her surprised male partner. The characters then get it on over and over and over again in various settings, until they are rescued, or get their revenge, or have an old gypsy woman lift the curse.

It goes on from there.  And, yeah, you’ll laugh even though you don’t want to and think you shouldn’t. 

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