HelenKay Dimon

I am over at the Brava Authors blog today. But, be forewarned. Today’s topic isn’t happy. See, a romance writing friend’s husband is very sick. The news is sad and, as Jordan points out, makes you remember what’s important.

So, as you celebrate the holidays, please send some good thoughts to Ellen, her husband and their family.

Today is the hubby’s birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! We’re going to go do something fun in San Diego…we just don’t know what that something is yet. I’m sure we’ll figure it out before we get in the car.

While I am out celebrating, I thought you might enjoy this article (saw it on Tess Gerritsen’s blog) about a reviewer who gave a scathing review to a book that doesn’t exist. My favorite part is the reviewer’s explanation for his idiocy:

He told Svensk Bokhandel magazine that he had “got worked up in advance about Britt-Marie Mattsson because I detest her so very greatly. But let’s hope the book is published so I get the chance to say it for real.”

Ummmm, okay. Well done, Mr. Neutral And Unbiased Reviewer. Since I’ve gotten a lovely review for a novella that doesn’t exist, I have some practice with this sort of thing. You read it, chuckle, tell all your friends, and then move on. Of course, it was easier for me to move on since the review on my non-existent novella was positive, but you get the idea.

Yeah, more lists… This time, I’m setting out romance novel themes and ideas that rarely work for me. The goal in 2007 is to find a book I like in each of these categories. Actually, it’s not a goal. I have other goals. But, these could happen.

1. Former spouses. There’s no question this dates back to my life as a divorce lawyer, but I can’t read a romance where people are divorced and then suddenly love blossoms again. I’m not talking about folks who used to date or had crushes in the past – those are fine. It’s the scenario where the couple went through a divorce and now are thrown back together and all that divorce stuff is forgotten. I see this sort of thing on a back cover, mutter something like, “riiiiigt” under my breath and move on. Now, to be honest I did have a few clients who married each other more than once. It happens. Also had people who divorced each other more than once. That happens too.

2. Secret baby. Come on, you want to read one and go “that makes sense!” too. I refuse to believe I’m alone on this.

3. Family pressure. This is a throwback to the 80s romance novel idea of “I’d marry you if my parents liked you” which feels a tad dated today. My editor once told me how frustrated she gets with adult heroes and heroines in contemporary romance novels who make their decisions based on what mommy and daddy say. She wasn’t talking about one of my books – thank God -but just making a general comment on mature adults versus immature adults. I see her point, but I also know that adults make choices for all sorts of odd and self-destructive reasons. I think this could work without the hero/heroine looking like a complete dork. No, really.

4. Workplace boss/assistant romance. I admit to having a bit of a weakness (by that I mean: great fondness) for these. Problem is that in the age of sexual harassment lawsuits and all that fun stuff, the office romance has a bit of an ewwww feel to it. Fern Michaels and Diana Palmer excelled it these about 20 years ago. Of course, 20 years ago you could ask your secretary out without getting a demand letter from her lawyer. Those were the days…

5. Kids. By this I mean, a romance where there’s a kid and the kid is integral to the plot but doesn’t get in the way of the romance. Frankly, I’m not big on kids hanging around romance tales. I’m not anti-kid. Just think they tend to feel like add-ons. Some authors solve this by putting a kid in peril in a romantic suspense tale. That works sometimes. I wonder if there’s another way to make it work.

In keeping with the seasons of lists…

While I have a Must Buy List of books a mile long and a TBR pile that functions more as a wall than anything else, there are a few books I easily can ignore:

1. Any romance with a NASCAR theme or, frankly, NASCAR anything. No offense to anyone, but this holds absolutely no appeal for me. I know NASCAR is a huge thing. I’m in the minority and all that, but no.

2. With an apology to Lori Foster, I’m skipping any romance where the hero is related in any way to something called the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

3. While I’m happy to know Kevin Federline can write, anything written by him is an absolute no including this little ditty highlighted in The Book Standard:

Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline is writing a tell-all book, in which the former back-up-dancer-turned-rapper details his life with Britney and the reasons why she is unfit to be a mother, according to Star magazine.

4. Walter Mosley’s newest Killing Johnny Fry. The Entertainment Weekly reviewers usually love Mosley but call this one a miss and give it a D. The reviewer ends with these thoughts on the book:

I might have found this all somewhat less depressing if it were good porn. Which, of course, raises the question, What is good porn? I’ve never given this a lot of thought, but then it doesn’t really require thought. What it requires is a subjective physical response. Here was mine: Every time Cordell unzipped his trousers, I put my head in my hands.

5. Whatever Judith Regan comes up with next in light of her OJ Simpson book idea. Of course, it looks as if she got fired…well, sort of.

For those unclear about Oprah’s power, here is a blurb from Publishers Lunch:

The biggest deal from yesterday was Crown’s purchase of Kitty Kelley’s book about Oprah, a long-in-the-making deal that saw the bestselling author turned down by many houses unwilling to publish a book about Winfrey. When we asked Kelley’s most recent publisher Doubleday in early August about their passing on the book, spokesman David Drake noted “we have tremendous affection for Kitty Kelley…. This may be a project that doesn’t work for us, but we anticipate continuing to have a good relationship with Kitty.” Another former publisher of Kelley’s Larry Kirshbaum acted as “marketing consultant” alongside her usual agent Wayne Kabak, and at one point during the summer Kelley’s reps were in discussions with iUniverse according to multiple sources.

Publishers are afraid to publish a tell-all about her. Now we know what’s more powerful than money – Oprah. Interesting.

While it’s always a dangerous thing to make a list, especially when that list is a list of topics/things I can’t imagine ever including in one of my books, I’m going to do it anyway. It’s the end of the year. Time for risks.

The HelenKay-Has-Banned-From-Her-Laptop list includes:

1. Vampires. Actually, I can extend this to include werewolves, mermaids (and whatever the masculine form of that may be) and all non-human and non-alive heroes and heroines.

2. Historical romance. Frankly, there are times I have trouble making contemporary settings sound authentic. Forget about a setting and time period that requires that much research and opens that many opportunities for readers to email me telling me how wrong I was about something.

3. Poetry. Trust me, this is a gift to readers everywhere. I possess the poetry talent of a 2nd grader.

4. Any hero who makes his living as a painter, singer or performer of some type. I read that on a cover blurb and 98% of the time don’t buy the book.

5. Cowboys. Way back when I tried… Yeah, that’s never going to happen again.

While I’m not clear on how exactly this study worked, I do know that Central Connecticut State University claims it has an answer. The question: which are America’s most literate cities. The study, appropriately called America’s Most Literate Cities, 2006, ranks the cities and compares each city’s rank this year to last year. The Top Ten looks like this:

1. Seattle, WA
2. Minneapolis, MN
3. Atlanta, GA
4. Washington, DC
5. St. Paul, MN
6. Pittsburgh, PA
7. Cincinnati, OH
8. Denver, CO
9. San Francisco, CA
10. Portland, OR

My new hometown of San Diego ranks No. 26 this year. Not bad. Of course, I have no real idea what any of this means. I’m guessing more people in San Diego are reading… or something… since San Diego is up 13 places from last year’s rank of No. 39.

I had heard rumors. Read a brief tidbit in RT. Now it’s official… Julie Garwood is returning to historical Scotland. Here is the book sale announcement:

FICTION: WOMEN’S/ROMANCE
NYT bestselling author Julie Garwood’s three more novels, beginning with an historical novel set in Scotland, again to Linda Marrow at Ballantine, by Andrea Cirillo of the Jane Rotrosen Agency (NA).

I don’t read much historical romance. I don’t read any Scotland-based historical romance except for Garwood. She was one of my first romance authors. She’s an absolute comfort read for me. I actually squealed with joy when reading this announcement. I’m not really the squeal-with-joy-over-book-sale-announcements type…unless, of course, said announcement is about a sale of mine. But this news requires a squeal.

Not sure when this comes out. I’m hoping for 2007 but will somehow survive if it’s in 2008. I do wonder if this means Garwood missed writing Scottish historicals, or if her romantic suspense didn’t do as well or if her fans complained or whatever. I’d think going back and forth – abandoning one subgenre to write the other instead of doing more of a Nora Roberts/JD Robb thing – would be a risky proposition for an author. Maybe not.

Forbes was nice enough to gather the information and let us know which authors are out there making NBA money. Actually, some of these folks would have to take a deduction in income to play in the NBA.

First, some basic information – none of which should be a big surprise:

[Dan] Brown, who made $88 million last year, leads the pack of the highest-earning authors on the Celebrity 100, Forbes’ annual tally of Hollywood’s most influential entertainers, based in part on income for the twelve months ended July 2006. Harry Potter scribe J.K. Rowling trailed Brown, pocketing $75 million last year from book sales, royalties from Potter films and merchandising. The boy wizard brand is, in fact, so valuable that Rowling is the world’s first author billionaire. John Grisham, best known for legal thrillers, returned to the best-seller lists this year with his first non-fiction foray, The Innocent Man: Murder and Injustice in a Small Town, film rights for which have already been optioned by George Clooney.

There’s a link to a photo presentation of the top earners. To spare you the time, the list as set out by Forbes goes like this:

- Dan Brown – $88 million
- JK Rowling – $75 million
- Rick Warren – $28 million
- James Patterson – $25 million
- John Grisham – $21 million

The big publishing disappointments listed are:

-Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s tell-all, The Confession, which has sold about 32,000 to date. Many authors would kill for a number like 32,000, but I’m thinking the publisher expected numbers at least 10 times that high. Is it too much to hope this means tell-all tales are out?

-Paul Burrell, former butler to Princess Diana, second book, The Way We Were: Remembering Diana, which sold about 21,000. When compared to the 2 million copies his last book sold, I bet this was a shocker. Maybe, just maybe, the message here is that it’s time to let Princess Diana rest in peace.

While going through two weeks of mail, I stumbled across Entertainment Weekly’s review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s Mistral’s Kiss. Reviewer gave it a C+. I haven’t read the book so I can’t comment on the grade. Despite that, the final part of the review did make me chuckle:

“…everyone will enjoy the marathon, 40-page opening sex scene. While we bow to proud Merry’s [Merry Gentry, the heroine...I think] stamina, we’d love to see her lead men (or goblins) into battle with more than just her sex appeal.”

Seems like a reasonable request.